As I approach my 10 year TSW (topical steroid withdrawal) anniversary on June 15th, sitting in my bed – the bed that has been both my prison and sanctuary on and off throughout these years, in a body that has felt more like a cage than anything else. The body that, in the present moment, is still causing me suffering – from redness and burning pain, oozing and flaking, itching, etc. to anxiety, depression, bouts of grief, loneliness.
Naturally, as this date approaches, I find myself retreating into hermit mode more and in reflection and contemplation, more than ever.
Topical Steroid Withdrawal “long hauler”
For ten years, I’ve suffered the after effects of a cream that was prescribed to me for a small rash under my armpit after moving to the United States from a war-torn country. When I started TSW, nearly 10 years ago, I would have never, in a million years, expected it to go on this long. But alas, here we are. Facial and neck flares still affect me to this day, typically during the warmer seasons in spring and summer.
There are still more days than I wish there were where I can’t do much but lay in bed and hope that I’ll just make it through again. More than that, there are not only physical wounds that are exposed and healing during these times, but a plethora of emotional and mental ones, as well. If TSW has taught me anything, it’s that those emotional and mental, and even spiritual ones, are even more prominent and more important than the physical.
So if you care to continue on this journey of reflection with me … I feel called to share some of what I’ve learned on this journey, in hopes it will help those of you who are just starting out, or thinking about starting out.
Was it worth it?
There’s one big question I’m always asked as a long term TSW “warrior” – if I could go back and not find out about or go through TSW, would I? And the answer to that is no. In other words, that question can also be phrased as “is it worth it?” (especially after 10 years of it).
The answer to that is yes. At least, for me, it certainly has been. TSW has been my biggest nemesis, but also my greatest teacher and guru, in more ways than I can explain in just this short piece of writing.
What Topical Steroid Withdrawal taught me
TSW has taught me about my mind and body and how connected they are, it has taught me about emotions and how suppressed emotions will always find a way to leak out of us, whether it be through our behaviors, or our own physical body. It has taught me about boundaries and relationships, about beauty and ugliness, strength and weakness, love and hate, joy and grief. It has taught me everything about life that I wouldn’t have had the chance to learn had it not been for this experience.
Fundamentally, it has changed me as a person. Or more accurately, it has shown me the REAL me – the me that is beyond words and labels, beyond the mind and body. My true essence and true Self underneath my skin. This is the timeless and infinite me, that always remains, no matter how much my body or environment and circumstances around me change. This me cannot ever be affected by physical or emotional pain or suffering. It is everlasting, pure, infinite, boundless.
Finding truth through the suffering
Sometimes, it takes a tragedy and a huge crumbling for us to look beneath the surface, or underneath the skin. And that is where the magic is – within each and every one of us. In short, TSW showed me Truth – Truth with a capital T. The one truth we all share that is higher than all else. It helped me remember who I – and we all – truly are at our core. And that is not our skin, not our bodies, and not our minds.
I can understand how that all might sound “woo-woo” or “out there” to some, but even if it does, I would bet there is a part of you, deep down, that resonates this, even if you aren’t ready to admit that yet. This is a truth we are all bound by, a truth we all share, and a truth we have forgotten. This is what TSW helped me remember, and it has been the most potent medicine of all. Returning back to my true Self, underneath and beyond my skin.
That is something I wouldn’t trade for the world. That is the kind of knowledge and wisdom that mystics, gurus, sages all through history have spoken about.
And my skin was, and continues to be, the bridge to that.