Confronting My Reflection
The Emotional Toll of Atopic Dermatitis and TSW
Photo by Grace Madeline on Unsplash
Fear of My Own Reflection
Living with atopic dermatitis from a young age, I never really liked looking at myself. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphia as a teenager, but never thought too much of it. After all, most teenagers go through a period of time where they don’t feel comfortable in their own bodies, right? Well … in my case, not so much.
During my experience with topical steroid withdrawal (TSW), I realized the issue was much deeper than that, and it became more magnified. I became completely terrified of my own reflection.
TSW and Its Impact
Starting TSW, my appearance became frightening. I watched myself deteriorate daily, and it reached a point where I was scared to look at my own reflection. I feared seeing a mangled, red face staring back at me.
Ongoing Struggle
Even now, I struggle with this. Any small patch of redness or dryness makes me anxious to look in the mirror or take a photo. I always anticipate the worst.
Fear of Being Seen
The image of myself during the worst times of TSW has never left my mind. I became so afraid of going outside that I would completely cover myself, avoiding short-sleeved shirts and wearing hats and sunglasses to hide my face. The rude comments and stares from others only reinforced my fear.
A Profound Memory
One incident stands out. During a particularly tough year, I was bald and wearing a scarf and hat to cover it. I went to Home Depot with my dad to buy a Christmas tree, an event I looked forward to after being bedridden for previous holidays. A man walked by, screamed at the sight of me, and made a hurtful comment about my red face. This interaction added to my trauma, making me avoid public places even more.
The Healing Process
Healing from this has required years of inner work and therapy. Though I’ve made progress, I still have a long way to go. I dislike looking at myself in the mirror during flares, despise bright lighting, and still use a night light. Leaving the house often causes anxiety and dread.
Through hypnotherapy and CBT, including exposure therapy, I’m slowly learning to cope with these fears. However, it’s been a challenging journey. The comments, stares, and screams from others continue to haunt me.
The Power of the Subconscious Mind
It’s incredible how a single memory or interaction can trigger so many issues. I hope for a future with less stigma around skin and health conditions. Until then, sharing our stories and being heard is crucial for healing.
Ultimately, healing requires awareness, acceptance, and understanding.
