Journeying into the pain to embrace my inner child

ByNina

As I go through much of my writing from over the years, most of which I’ve never shared, I’m uncovering layers of myself that I thought were buried. Some pieces show the most intense moments of pain, while others show how far I’ve come on this journey of healing. This piece of musing or prose, whatever you want to label it, is a reflection on how reconnecting with my inner child, who has been suppressed and wounded for so long, has been one of the most transformative parts of my healing journey.

I reached down into the depths of my core,
All the way to the rock-hard thread of emotions, suppressed within me for decades.
Some might say these were the deepest roots of the imbalance that shows up so clearly within my body, right on my skin.
And I thought I’ve felt pain, but man, this was something different.

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

My inner child, frozen in time…
Tiny hands reaching out in front of her.
The innocence within her replaced by confusion and chaos, as shots are firing all around her.
Holding onto a stranger carrying her as the sounds continue,
People are falling … suddenly and quickly. Death surrounds and engulfs her.
The scent of destruction and injustice permeates the air.
Shocks run through her body, as guilt and shame burrow their way under her skin, down into her core,
Forming the new beliefs of “I don’t deserve to be here”—
The only way her 3-year-old mind can make sense of it all…
Because it doesn’t make sense.

And then, I reached out to her…
Gently, I whispered,
“It’s not your fault, and you do deserve to be here.”

A gentle smile formed on her face as I reached for her hand…
We held each other in love, allowing the guilt, suffering, shame, chaos, to be covered in our love.
To be bathed in the light that radiates from my core now, underneath the darkness of emotions which suppressed it.

How powerful it is to be the love and peace, even in the midst of great suffering.
How powerful it is to be alive and aware… even when it hurts like hell.

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