Silencing The Bullies In The Past – Eczema and Trauma

Throughout my upbringing, I often found myself as an “outsider” and a bit of a loner. At a young age, after surviving the Yugoslavian war, I found myself the center of bullying quite often, for many reasons. Of course, eczema was always one of those, as far back as I can remember. Looking back on my life, I see how closely eczema and trauma have always been linked, in one way or another.

This feeling intensified when, at the age of 10, I became a refugee in a new country where I couldn’t even speak English yet. The additional challenge of dealing with eczema only added to my struggles.

The impact of bullying – eczema and trauma

The impact of bullying on my life was significant. It started in my home country, Bosnia, following the end of the Yugoslavian war in 1995. Despite the bombing and shelling ceasing, the emotional scars lingered. Factors like my parents coming from different religious backgrounds made me a target from early on. I vividly still remember being pushed into gravel, being made fun of, and returning home with legs covered in blood—a lasting reminder of my childhood.

Amidst the bullying, my parents faced financial hardships, losing the roof over our heads and even basic necessities. Their determination to secure a better life led us to the United States, but being a newcomer, especially an immigrant who couldn’t speak English, didn’t make me the most popular kid in school.

Dealing with shame and worsening skin

Simultaneously, my eczema worsened, and kids, unaware that I comprehended their words, ridiculed me for being “different” or for the scars on my forehead and the red, itchy skin covering my body.

The burden of shame grew with age, and though I thought I was coping by appearing “strong,” I was mainly suppressing it. I adopted strategies like keeping a low profile with my head always in a book reading, excelling in English, concealing my skin with long sleeves and hats, and whatever else I needed to do to feel “safe.”

Topical Steroid Withdrawal and isolation

Despite working hard and graduating early, my skin and health continued to decline. Topical Steroid Withdrawal left me bedridden and completely isolated, intensifying the wounds of isolation that had left lasting marks on my heart and soul.

Even today, I struggle with healing the wounds of isolation. I seek connection, but simultaneously fear it. The fear, stemming from years of abuse, bullying, and health issues, led me to build self-defense mechanisms and emotional walls to keep me protected. The ongoing process of opening my heart and healing has been a long and tough one. I still hear the laughter and hurtful words from unkind individuals throughout my life, but I can at least say I have forgiven them now, even though I haven’t forgotten.

Perhaps, one day, I’ll fully believe that these experiences made me stronger. It might not be today, but I am sure that day, too, will come.