We Need Men Back: Why Shaming Masculinity is Hurting Everyone
Why shaming masculinity is hurting everyone
Somewhere along the way, it seems like being a man started feeling like some kind of criminal offense.
And hey, I’ll just address this at the start… yes, I am a woman. I can’t pretend to know everything men are going through. But through close relationships with men in my own life, I can speak on my perspective of this issue. Take what resonates, if anything, and leave the rest.
The “Toxic Masculinity” Trap
Here’s the thing… the phrase toxic masculinity has been floating around everywhere in recent years. It’s become a scapegoat for anything and everything wrong with the world—just like the word “patriarchy.” (cringe)
Photo by Gayatri Malhotra on Unsplash
From violence, war, and abuse, to emotional suppression and unavailability, this narrative gets repeated online like gospel, especially in the name of modern feminism. And slowly but surely, the line between actual harmful, toxic behavior and simply being a man has gotten more and more blurry.
The Difference Between Toxic and Wounded Masculinity
I’m not saying men are perfect—far from it. There are so many unhealthy behaviors that get excused with the “boys will be boys” narrative.
But here’s the thing: that isn’t masculinity. It isn’t even “toxic masculinity.”
It’s wounded masculinity. And they are not the same thing.
- Toxic masculinity: rooted in domination, suppression, violence.
- Wounded masculinity: born from emotional repression, shame, and unhealed trauma.
True, healthy masculinity is steady. It is protective. It is grounded.
You see it in the father who works tirelessly to support his family.
In the brother who shows up when you need him.
It’s deep strength rooted in love, not dominance.
The problem is… we’ve been teaching boys to wear this strength like armor, instead of like truth. We’ve told them to suppress their feelings and “man up,” or “stop being a pussy.”
And then, when they grow into men who don’t know how to express their emotions in healthy ways, we blame them for not being open, soft, or vulnerable enough.
So… make that make sense.
Where the Real Wounds Start
We love to talk about “toxic men.” But we rarely stop to ask:
- Where does this “toxicity” actually come from?
- What wounds created it?
- What’s underneath it?
We raise boys to suppress their emotions and their healthy masculinity—then shame them for not being emotionally open fathers, friends, or partners.
That’s not toxic masculinity. That’s the byproduct of impossible, unrealistic expectations. And yes, those are expectations we placed on them.
And yes, I’m especially looking at us, women.
The Silent Crisis of Men’s Mental Health
The truth is we’ve created a culture where men are tiptoeing through life—afraid to say the wrong thing or be the wrong thing. Terrified of being seen as “too much” or “not enough.”
They’ve become completely confused about what role they’re even allowed to play anymore.
They’ve been trying to be everything for everyone, and getting crucified for it either way.
And it’s killing them. Literally.
- Men in the United States are approximately four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and they account for nearly 80% of all suicide deaths (CDC, UCLA Newsroom).
- Globally, in 2019, more than twice as many men (523,883) died by suicide compared to women (235,145), with age-standardized rates of 12.6 vs. 5.4 per 100,000 (National Library of Medicine).
Yet the narrative still tells us that men are the oppressors and that we live in a patriarchy where they “rule over us.” Really?
What I’ve Seen
I’ve watched amazing, grounded, emotionally available men get completely destroyed—manipulated, used, abused, abandoned.
I’ve seen men dedicate their lives to their families only to be left unsupported and blamed.
I’ve seen women abuse men—physically, emotionally, mentally—and those men rarely speak up. Not because it didn’t hurt, but because they thought that kind of pain was normal.
Why aren’t we talking about that?
Why are we silencing men when they try to speak?
Masculinity and Femininity Were Never Enemies
We’re not enemies and we were never meant to be.
Masculinity and femininity were designed to complement, to balance, to dance with each other—not to compete or battle with one another.
And yet, we’re so quick to shout “toxic masculinity” without asking what men need to heal. What they need to feel safe, seen, and supported. What they’ve been taught to hide their entire lives.
We don’t need less masculinity in the world.
We need healthy masculinity.
We need men who feel strong and supported, grounded and emotionally connected. Because when men heal—when they thrive, when they feel held and understood, we all thrive.
Final Thoughts: We Need Men Back
So no… of course being a man isn’t a crime. But pretending it is poses a real danger to society, no matter which gender you proclaim yourself to be.
It’s time to stop shaming men for how they’ve been taught to survive, and start helping them learn how to live.
We need men back.
