Grief with Chronic Illness and Healing
When dealing with a chronic illness, there are a lot of things we have to “leave behind”, which adds an additional layer of grief, often following us on our healing journey, begging to be acknowledged and felt.
Grief Beyond Loss of People
Contrary to popular notions, grief doesn’t only happen when we lose someone close to us. It doesn’t only happen in regards to death. It encompasses the loss of dreams, aspirations, and even different versions of ourselves from the past.
Like many young girls, I used to dream of marriage, a thriving career, and a family. However, as life unfolded, illness unexpectedly changed everything. Profound events, both positive and negative, tend to disrupt our lives abruptly, but also become pivotal and transformational turning points on our journey.
Some of the most challenging and painful, as well as beautiful moments in my life unfolded in this way. A chronic health diagnosis is much like this, and we have to accept that life will never be quite the same again. It becomes something we may have to carry with us and live with us until our last breath.
A New “Normal”
A single event can reshape our entire existence. Suddenly, we’re not exactly “normal” anymore; we’re individuals who have something “wrong,” with us, especially something as visible as eczema and topical steroid withdrawal. It feels like much like wearing a sign that says, “I’m broken.”
This visible part of us, our skin, is one of the first things people notice about us, and unfortunately, many judgments are formed from it. Even when that’s not the case, and people aren’t judging us, for us, it can and often does feel that way.
Growing up, while other girls were getting lessons on makeup, I was forced to dive into the world of creams and lotions, diets, medications, among other things. Instead of getting to choose cute swimsuits and lingerie and being comfortable in my body, my concern was always concealing my skin.
I became a master of disguise, hiding aspects of myself that I felt were unworthy.
I had to grieve the “normal” aspects of development, the life I envisioned for myself in the future, dreams of completing nursing school, and having a stable career. Grieving the person I used to be and the one I thought I’d become became a crucial step.
Slowly, over time, I learned to accept and embrace the person I evolved into – and continue to evolve into – through my journey with chronic illness.
There’s no going back
Initially, I held onto this idea that one day I’d somehow get back to being the person I was before the diagnosis of eczema and before going through TSW. It took time to grasp that resisting this transformation was completely pointless and was only causing me more pain and suffering.
I had to acknowledge that life might have a different plan for me than the one I envisioned for myself, and that that’s okay too.
Now, I give myself space to grieve when necessary. Mourning the things I had to “leave behind” has been an important process to accept who I am now and the person I have yet to become.
The only constant in life IS change, and the more we embrace that, and allow ourselves to flow with the currents, the freer we become.
